Belated Bollocks

If you’ve ever received a birthday greeting from me on social media, chances are it contained a personalized verse, image or video, in addition to (or in place of) the actual words ‘happy birthday’. I do this because I want to show the person I'm greeting that I care enough for them to make a bit of an effort, even though I didn’t remember their birthday till Facebook reminded me.

These days, though, I have begun ignoring that little Facebook reminder: ‘So-and-so’s birthday is today...’ So and so what?

To greet a person on their birthday used to be a sign that they were special to you. Family. Close friends. Childhood friends you never lost touch with, even though they are now far away. Folk for whom the effort of writing and posting a letter or a greeting card, or making a long-distance phone call (expensive), or sending a telegram (even more expensive) was worth it. When you got a birthday wish from someone, in those times, you could be sure it meant something.

(Of course, there have always been the greetings people send to teachers and other gaolers, to bosses, patrons, clients and debtors. Unfelt warmth, extorted felicitation, flattery driven by the fear of a beating, of losing a job, a promotion or a contract. The saddest and most worthless birthday greetings of all, but luckily we don't need to talk about them any more in this post.)

Let’s get back to the twenty-first century, and the practice of private citizens putting their birthdays on Facebook. I never could understand why anybody would do that. Who could be so insecure that they yearn for birthday wishes from strangers and minor acquaintances? ‘Happy birthday’, in some cases, from people they’ve never even met in real life?

Who knows? Anyway, some of us do it. We put our birthdays on Facebook. And FB, which is nothing but a computer program, duly reminds our online ‘friends’ when the date comes round. Then in come the greetings – dutiful, effortless, insincere: sent in the time it takes to type thirteen letters and a space, forgotten before the sender has even scrolled down to the next post.

Pretty pathetic, no? But some of us can’t even manage that. We can’t spare the minimal engagement required to post a two-word greeting on our friends’ actual birthdays. Maybe we don’t visit FB that often. Maybe we have so many online ‘friends’ we can’t keep track. Whatever the reason, we don’t notice the Facebook notification till a day or two have passed. Oopsie.

But wait, there’s a fix! Just wish the person, whom you didn’t care for enough to remember their birthday, a ‘happy belated’. Don’t be shy, everyone does it. Quick, quick – you can still jam yourself into the Elevator of Appreciation before the doors slide shut. Earn a few brownie points for your ‘friendship’, that’s what it’s there for. Hell, it’s probably a bit more sincere than a greeting on the actual day, because there’s at least a drop of feeling involved. No actual affection for the birthday girl or boy – don’t be silly – but fear of looking bad on social media.

That, dear reader, is what ‘happy belated birthday’ means. The grammatical error I complained of in a Facebook post yesterday (and no, it wasn't my birthday) is nothing compared to the hypocrisy and insincerity of a ‘belated’ online birthday wish. All you do, when you send one, is tell the world how little the person you’re greeting actually means to you. And that realization – however belatedly it sinks in – may mean the end of whatever vestigial relationship you two actually had.